writing about thinking about myself
Ever since I was a child I never understood the meaning of sharing. When I did share with others, others would steal from me- when I would go through those moments it made me not want to share with anyone and I mean nobody. In my opinion if you steal from me there is no reason to share with you, but I’ve put that in my mind forever. Honestly, it’s been more of a weakness. Since my thinking has built up, my mind set is hurting me.

It is hard for me to share with anyone who doesn’t have much or take a girl out without her paying for every fun thing we do. That’s the problem that I had in my relationship with Michelle. I started to expect her to do everything. In my mind I’m saying, “Michael, what are you doing for Michelle? Michael, why aren’t you taking Michelle out?” It got worse when I went to art school. I didn’t let her inside of what I was truly feeling and not just my feelings about her, but my own personal feelings even those thoughts of mine that went on through those days.

I never wanted to hear her speak about certain topics because I chose not to listen, I chose to be disrespectful and now I feel karma hit me like Mike Tyson when he was heavy Weight Champion. Anytime she made a joke I never laughed, never thought her jokes were funny, she always called me a dick for what I said, and for doing certain things to her like shouting, cursing even being violent with her.

She never wanted to give her all and I understand why she felt that way. It was because of me. I could never enjoyed going places with her, yet again I wanted it to be about Michael Pilate and not Michelle. We got into fights that should’ve been avoided. I said things that should’ve never been coming out my uncontrollable mouth. Now I think about it and I can’t excuse my actions. I can’t say any of these events did not happen because they did.

During sex I couldn’t be comfortable with her body which made her insecure and I’m carrying the same insecurity all the time, why is that? I love Michelle but I’m too focused on what she looks like on the outside.

I didn’t care to see the inside of a woman who was willing to do whatever it took to help someone in need. I want to think of myself, as someone who is not focused on his ego. Whoever is listening, please, I need to change my thinking about my family’s needs and I need to think about the needs of other people who are in my life.